After the funeral

This past Saturday was my dad’s funeral, just two days ago and I’ve been processing everything since. The funeral was very nice and the Pastor did a far better job than I expected, but he’d met my dad a few times in the past. The anecdotes about my dad were spot on and helped make a tearful day into a celebration of his life. After the funeral, we all went back to my mom’s house, ate, and talked the night away.

When I say I’m still processing things, I mean that I am still trying to find a way to express what I’m feeling, thinking, and how deeply my dad’s passing has affected me. That’s why I have been writing here in my blog about everything, I cannot just let it all out, but I can type it out a bit better. I suppose due to the act of typing itself, it is a step removed from just speaking about it, which I still cannot do.

I delivered a eulogy at the funeral and it was painful, I fought against a deluge of tears, but my sons lost that battle. My eldest Adrian was curled up away from everyone crying uncontrollably and Gabe sat curled in his chair in the middle of everyone. My wife fought back tears and my Uncle Bill couldn’t even speak during the funeral, which was understandable as he lived with my mom and dad.

I feel numb still, in shock, almost lost. While at mom’s house I kept waiting for my dad to just walk into the house like he did when we’d all visit him and he had dialysis. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, and I’d experienced a lot of death in my time on this planet. So many people were there because everyone loved my dad, he was the type of person that if you knew him, you loved him… period. 

Everyone was telling stories and memories of him at my mom’s house, people smiled, laughed, and cried. My kids played games and talked with my two uncles who helped raise me, which dad would have loved and gotten in on. I honestly think if dad saw his funeral, he would have been happy at how it was all handled. That unto itself gives me some solace.

Closer to the end of the night, my uncle Bill and mom gave me dad’s cross he loved and wore and it’s something I will forever cherish. I cried once I was home because it was so beautiful of them to give me it and to have something to keep dad close to me. 

After the funeral, I’ve been thinking of ways to continue to honor my dad’s memory, to keep him alive within all of us and I know he was proud of the changes I’d made and who I’ve become, so I want to continue onward and forward with that. He was kind and gentle and thus I will strive to be kinder and gentler myself, but he was also very funny and well I already have that down 🙂

This all has been overwhelming to me and I couldn’t begin to fathom what my mom is going through. I don’t know what to feel honestly like I said I’m numb still, but I know it’s better out than in and so I will release my grief as I can and as I continue to honor his memory and legacy of love, kindness, gentleness, and laughter.